Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
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a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
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I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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