When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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