I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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