She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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