I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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