Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
