drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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