he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
