So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
