dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
