I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
