i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
