I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
