The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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