To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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