yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
