I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
