my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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