something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
