he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
