you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
