I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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