I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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