chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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