i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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