Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
