so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
