i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I love having hate sex.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
