please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
