it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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