I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
