he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
