I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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