I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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