we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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