The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
