So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
