I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
