and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
