Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
