please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
