I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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