Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
