I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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