STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So much rum. So many feels.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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