why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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