I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
