Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
