I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
