omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
