I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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