I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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