eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
