Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
