i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
