So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just invented taco cereal.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Randomize
