i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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