we made out on top of his cat.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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