You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
